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emmyemmy0 commentsdiaries, non-fiction, the truth

future emily,

you’re here. hello, and thank you. it’s the nineteenth of july in the year 2022. you are currently (as of writing) on a gap year. you have been enjoying the immense rest.

             i have many questions. mostly, i want to know what you are doing. are you happy? are you grateful. how is everyone? mum; dad; the rugrats. how’s your health? i’m sure you’ve been thinking about that a lot, too. it’s always so up and down.

             when i think about the future, i’m not sure exactly what excites me most. i’m thrilled and nervous about all of it. i have my moments of intense restlessness because i often want everything, all at once, right now. are you still impatient like that? or do you have it all?

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emmyemmy0 commentsdiaries, non-fiction, poetry, stream of consciousness, writing exercises

19/10/21 midway through creation

i go around in circles all the time. my teacher said to stop writing in hypotheticals & immediately i knew she was right & that she had found the little spiral centre of me that i had been hiding not-too-solemnly. it is hard for me to detach myself from the hypothetical, most of my days i live in there. before i knew any of this (of writing or understanding or knowing there was a world at all around me) i knew that committing myself to one idea was an utter travesty. of course there are ideas now that i hold close to me. but usually i hang barely-suspended & wishing i was okay with being a pendulum.

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emmyemmy0 commentsdiaries, non-fiction, stream of consciousness, writing exercises

28/09/21 class is soon

class is soon and i’ve exhausted all other forms of procrastination. i’ve done all the readings, given appropriate feedback, put on an inappropriate outfit, forgot to have breakfast (i actually had two sleeves of oreos and a handful of multivitamins, as if the two could counteract one another), & i danced to the same playlist that’s been on repeat for the past few weeks. i got a call from my boss asking me to work nine hours per day on the last three days of this year. i said yes eagerly; i don’t know why.

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emmyemmy0 commentsdiaries, non-fiction

writing advice 22/05/22

why do i write?

            well, the list is long and in no discernible order. but i’ll start with the fact that writing brings me an inordinate, unnecessary amount of pleasure and joy. pleasure in every common and rarefied sense: it is a gustatory enjoyment, both cerebral and base, and as indecent as any other imaginable sin. words are like ingredients to me, or musical notes played in the scale only allowed in religious fantasies. learning new words feels like a treat i have not earned in any way, but have been given regardless. playing with words is as furtive and frenzied as all the great pleasures of the world. writing is an act of creation that never stops feeling blasphemous; it is every bit as divine as a mutiny.

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emmyemmy0 commentsdiaries, non-fiction

23/03/2022 on Marilyn

much adored, much discussed, & pestered endlessly, even after death; the way i would sum her up doesn’t even involve my own words or creativity.

            a stranger online, by some circumstantial miracle, facilitated in me one of those once-in-a-lifetime moments of utter illumination & clarity. this stranger had left a comment on a series of photos of Marilyn throughout her life. as clear as a bell, simple & awestruck as describing the weather, the comment read, in full:

“impossible to think that she once walked here.”

            reading this was like remembering a dream from the womb. like putting on prescription glasses for the first time. the concision of their idolatry floored me. the summary of her mythology laid out bare, in ten words or less.

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emmyemmy0 commentsdiaries, experimental, stream of consciousness, writing exercises

24/06/2019 pretending to meditate

pretending to meditate is still meditation. pretending pretending to stream of thought consciousness is a way to write write write write write write wrong write write write write writer as faithfully as possible the human mind condition the actuality of writing under a creak in the door pausing still and silent pretending to meditate is still meditating meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation is still meditation meditation meditation meditation on the word is meditate on the word is meditation is meditation on the word is meditation on the why the word the word is on the word is on the word is on the word is on the reminded of the word of the meditation   

            of the word meditation faking meditation is still pretending to actually meditate the meditation in the faking is still trying to be meditation the mediate the meditation the why the word is meditation to meditation meditation meditation meditation making meditation making meditation the why the meditation the how the meditation the meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation sore the meditation slower meditation harder to see meditation meditation meditation meditate on meditation fill one hundred meditations on meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation meditation is still meditation is still meditation

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